You don't need to wait for a new year to start a new life...

Right, so i haven't blogged for a while, and there is a reason for that. I have been very busy being a bad girl, don't get me wrong - i've had fun, time of my life in fact. However, i really need to get back to real life.

Im 20 years old, I've dried my funds out, wrecked havoc to my liver, made my entire body ache for about a week and not done any work in forever. Being a 2nd year, top 20 UK Uni student, that may possibly be a problem! If things keep on like this, i really dont think i will be able to hack it anymore!

So, this morning i have decided to get my act together in fact.

How am i going to do this? I reckon i just need some rules to my life, And enforce them.
I'm aiming to sort out my money issues, my fatigue and help my body regain its full strength as well as staying happy.

1) Drinking - I will stop drinking so excessively. I will have 1 binge night in a week in which i will drink properly.

2) Sleep - I will have at least 2 early nights a week.

3) Money - I will be vigilant with it and tight! I will not eat out. I will look for the cheapest food possible, even if it is gross.

4) Work - I will do my essays in plenty of time, go to ALL lectures and do some background reading and sort out all my notes. I will do my German work on a Sunday.

5) Body - I will go to hockey every week, i will drink plenty of water and i will go running at christmas!

6) Men! - I will be conservative, picky and consider myself of a higher value than i do right now.

7) Mentality - I know who makes me smile and who makes me cry, i will avoid the latter lot. I will not worry too much about what others think. I will smile alot.

8) I just think 8 is a better number so - I will stop frying so much! :)

And alll left now - is just to do it. And to start i will do something nice for the house. I will tidy the houseparty mess downstairs!

Wish me luck!

Am i a sidekick?

(To be continued)

We do not deserve this!!!

Right now anger is seething through my bones so much that it is 3.27am and i cannot sleep. I have to admit i am tired, having had my earliest night being 2.30am this week but no one, absolutely no one deserves to be treated like i was today. No one.

I have been having such an excellent week, making loads of new friends. However, tonight i bumped into an old mate. He lives with a few old mates, and i ended up in their living room catching up on old times. However, Manc comes home, the first and only thing he said to me all term was "What are YOU doing here?" with a unimpressed look. I ignored it.

The next thing he said a little later was "Don't you two have a house of your own??"
I was having absolutely none of it, i left, there and then. Without saying goodbye.

What a D**k!

Calling all Students and Kind-Hearted People:

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Heya,

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There's no downside to registration - it's free and you can unsubscribe at and point. You have to provide a few details (like date of birth I think)but Milkround is incredibly secure (it's one of the most reputable recruitment and advice websites there is) and registration takes only a minute or so at most.

You may have already signed up to Milkround but for some reason or other that is not how you register.

If you could register yourself via this link I'd be really grateful:

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Hope you are enjoying you're summer.

Me

Time Can't Stand Still

I think i need to read my "men - who needs them?!" speech again. I don't know what's happening. Maybe it's because i'm getting older. The clock is slowly ticking, time is running out and i've yet to have a serious relationship. Bugger.
But that is hardly an excuse for my behaviour. Or my overactive imagination. Spinning and twisting truths until i've not just got everyone fooled, i've got myself fooled too.
Then again, am i trying so hard NOT to be obssessive that i am obssessing over everything. Self evalutation is a hazardous thing.

All i need to remember is - to heck with bad bits in life. Enjoy it. You never know when it may end.

And in memory to the first person i knew that died: R.I.P. J.B. You were a great guy. xxx

Times like These

There's those split seconds in life, where you feel happy, not just content, happy. I walked across the terrace, with the sun softly warming my skin, a Fanta Orange in my hand, quenching my thirst, my hunger statisfied, my satisfied, someone who loves me, people who want me and my work finally beginning to seem do-able. That my friends, is why, life is so precious. I wish for everyone to have the same happiness, that encompasses my life today. :D

Exams, boys and phones...

One can only hope...

I have an exam tomorrow. I would say that i have done alot of revision for it. But i do not feel ready, should i? There's still so much i should know. And along with being tired and thirsty i am not having a great week.

However, I met a guy. He took me on a date. I felt quite because he seems to be everything i've always thought i wanted. Yet, something just wasn't right. I think that something was me. I just wasn't in the mood for a date. I was sitting there thinking You're gorgeous, you want me, you're lovely to me, just the right sort of person i've always imagined. Yet, why am i not happy?

I came to the conclusion that it was sleep deprivation and that i should give him more time and another chance. What harm can it do?
So a couple of days have passed, a couple of text coversations have occured, mostly started by myself.
However, now i have to wait for him to initiate a conversation. And i am hearing echoes of my last relationship. Paranoid that my phone will never buzz. Being obssessed with my phone and not being able to enjoy my own life. *sigh*

The thing is I don't actually mind if he doesn't text, i'm not denying i'd quite like him to, but why am i being phone-obsessed again?! Even if i leave my phone i'm expecting it to buzz. It's just not normal. I think i have an ongoing relationship with my phone. And that, my friends, is just sad.

Revision Time, again...

I just thought, that i'd add a list of things thats i appreciate greatly right now:

Apprentice - at first I hated it, but it is very entertaining to watch!
Britain's Got Talent - the auditions crake me up!
Country - with hayfever under control, the scenary down in Devon is to die for!
Day's out - im looking forward to summer and the beach and walking along the canal.
Escape games - i think i've slowly but surely become addicted!
Fishcakes - Yes, a weird one of my favourites.
Guys - im a girl, come on!
Home - Yes, my home, me and mother are getting on rather well at the moment!
Introductions - this way, you get so many more friends out of life!
Jealous ex's - its sad but true, i do appreciate this.
Killer Sudoku's - i'm getting better!
Luce - my best friend, my boyfriend, my saviour, my wife, my itch on the backside.
Mozilla Firefox - I wouldn't say it's better than IE, its just a tad quicker to watch movies and after all, it's nice to have a change!
Night's out with the gals - so much fun!
Oranges - i'm still getting over the fact that i've missed eating them for over 18 years!
Procrastination - ok so it makes me feel a little guilty but it makes evertything else just so much better!
Quizzes - i enjoy quizzes - there, i said it!
Rabbits - we saw a baby rabbit get attacked the other day, it was possibly the closest my heart has come to falling right out of my chest. I realised just how cute they are.
Speed - the Film - Keanu Reeves as Jack Travis is GORGEOUS! It's also an awesome film!
Trebor Extra Strong Mints - they aren't that strong but they are tasty!
Uni - after this revision is over - think of all the partying!
VK's - when thirsty and fairly intoxicated, these are like a touch of paradise.
Weird coincidences - i like because they can get me out of stuff. Well, when they work in my favour anyway!
X-Factor - more auditions, more laughter (oh and awe)!
Yellow - a good colour, i feel.
Zzzz - sleeping will always be great for me!

And on the other hand, i hate the feel of velvet! (Just thought i'd put that out there!)

(24 hours later - an apology)

Life is good. I like myself. Today was a very good day. (descriptive eh?!)

Its again, 3am and i have just returned from a different club, only this time i drunk considerably less - 1 vodka coke, 1 VK Apple, and, oh, another VK Apple. Im not an alcoholic if i stop drinking during the day. And i do! lol!

Its tempting to go clubbing tomorrow (well tonight seeing as it is technically already Wednesday) but i got drunk Sunday night aswell and i have an essay in for Thursday - sacrifice my degree for 1 night? - i think not.

Yours updated

I sit here before you, slightly intoxicated. I sat slightly, although i've drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka, 5 VKs, 1 SAMBUCCA shot and a double mailbu and coke. Which to some is much but the fact i am sitting here writing this, however un correct it may be, is witness to the fact that i am not too bad. It may be 3 in the morning but when i have an urge to blog, i have an urge to blog.

My friend made me feel horrible today. I tried on one of my dresses and she was like "Noooooo" Ok, so she's being honest but she could've at least tried to spare my feelings. And then she spends the night complaining about how horrid she looked (when obviously i looked worse).
It just took my already low self esteem to its all-time lowest. What happened to everyone likes different shapes? What happened to personality not looks?
No, i cringed at the way i looked, look. And that, for me, sucks.

I like to only care what i think. What should i care what others think, if i myself am happy? Why?

Why do i have a crush on someone i can' t have when i don't even believe in crushes?

What is happening to me? How am i becoming someone i really do not want to be?

Yours updated,

Lou xxx

Being ill...

So being ill isn't great but it does give you time to think. Over the past week or so, iv'e been cooped up in bed with an illness which i am now recovering from due to a large dose of antibiotics every 6 hours, (only slightly annoying for someone who likes to sleep longer than 6 hours at a time!) Therefore i've had alot of time to think. To ponder over how actually paranoid i became in my last relationship, to realise that i cannot wait for next year, to know that i want to take a more relaxed and happy perspective on life, to prevent my former self to come back.
Yet i have a first obstacle: Lots and lots of work and a little amount of time.
Will i get my motivation back after this illness to get this work done on time to a high degree and not get stressed. Its a battle i as others have fought many times before in life. And usually, i suceed. In fact, i've onli partially failed once, and that wasnt bad.
I just need to incorporate "happy life" with motivation and lots and lots of work. It could be fun?!

Forbidden Grounds

Why is it that we fall for the forbidden, we want what we can't have and we crave the unallowed? Something about them, or it, makes its appeal stronger. Some of the best relationships in films have spawned from forbidden grounds - Romeo and Juliet, 40 days and 40 nights, the Titanic. And even though these are films, well, its all too true in everyday life. If we are handed something on a platter it is less exciting and we take it for granted. Whereas if we strive to do the seemingly impossible for something, for someone, the getting of it, him, life appeals to us so much more.
We, seem to need adventure, problems, excitment, in order to live a happy life.

What makes life interesting?

What worse than going somewhere and being really uninterested? The phrase "Kill me now" comes into your head. So, how do we make our lives interesting? For me, i hate being in the same routine over and over again so that little change means a lot to me, i gain a bit of interest back. Even doing things that you know you probably shouldn't, but you do it anyway, just in case.

I did that today, i caved in and met up with an ex. Did it make me feel any better about myself? Not really. Did it make me feel any worse? No. Did it make me feel anything? Don't think so. But it adds a little variety into life. It's not something that i would do on an ordinary day.

Yet, for me, right now, what is ordinary?

Do i live here or do i live at university? What do i do on an ordinary day? So, it is quite nice, to come and go as i please and do different things everyday, but it lacks any kind of routine.

Make up your mind! Haha! I think i need a happy medium!

The Aftermath

Within any relationship there is always that bit at the end when you don’t quite know where/how you stand with each other. Are you going to progress into friends? Is one person going to pine over the other for a while? And what happens to all those “feelings” that were definitely there a little while ago?
With Joe there’s been 3 aftermath complications as such. 1) The first time i saw him after the break up. It came at a good time because i was in a happy place at that time. 2) The drunken phonecall – him to me(!) – Now, i didn’t answer but it created alot of thinking time in my head. And 3) the first text convo – which i am in right now - how many kisses should i put in, should i ask a question, how long should i wait to reply?
In the end there are no instructions to handling these situations, just be you.

You are not your thoughts, they just come and go...

I sit before you, crying. I ask, Why do you cry? And i receive no answer. The world is and i am, yet i am sad. Is the world then sad?

The world works in mysterious ways. Sitting and thinking about it does you no good. There is no point in pondering iver unanswerable questions when you will get nothing from it. Im in a place right now, where i just want to be alone. But then when im alone, i am sad. To me, this makes no sense. Is being alone not what i want then? I just want to scream!

Im panicking at the moment. I have my driving test in less than a week and i have had hardly any practice recently. I know i can pass, i've done everything fine before. But i've also failed before. Does positive thinking really work? I need something to stop the nerves. I really really want to pass. So i'm sitting here, waiting, for that time to come, when i am on it. How will i feel, will it be easier than last time? Most of all, will i pass?

Yes, You Guessed it...

I am single again.

So here is a post on how to cope with being dumped:

Whatever the reason, and you may not know, him rejecting you does NOT mean that everyone feels the same way about you! Do you all have the same friends? No, its people's tastes and circumstances too. But at this time of need, you need to apply a few basic instructions:

1) You need to realise that there is no going back. This IS the end. I am a strong believer that by getting back into a previous relationship is a very very bad idea. However much you want to, you will just make it more painful if you keep a hope up. If there's hope how can you get over these people?!

2) Keep yourself busy. Yes, it will hurt for a little while but keep in control, dance, write a list of stuff that you just love to do and do them! It helps a Goddam lot if you're with friends and other people aswell.

3) Move onwards. Focus on all the good points of the change. You are now free. You can do what you want and think of the numerous opportunities that this change has brought about to your future.

Follow this, and in most situations you will realise that its all part of life's experiences.

Once you are a bit happier, don't go out looking for somebody. Respect yourself. Take this time to be happy being you. And i promise that as soon as you realise this, someone great will come along. :)

Identity?

Who am i? Who i am changes everyday. Changes all the time. Am i the same person now as i was when i wrote "Who am i?" If not, then why not? It was a completely different time. What makes that time different to the moment in time last year or the moment in time when i was born or even the moment in time in which life existed. Has there been a "forever"?

It just happening today that all these questions are popping into my head! All over it, one at a time, 10 at a time, and its tiring me out. So i have actually slept alot to.

It's these questions that have no known answers. And thinking about them only gives you more questions, so in theory its a really huge waste of thinking time!

I was once told i think too much. I suppose that's the point of having a blog for me. I think too much (if thats even possible - oh God here i go again!!) and no one can be bothered to listen. I don't even think this gets read. But its here, at least being here it has its space. If i ever forgot how to think i could come here and see partially into the insanities of my brain.

I have also sometimes wondered whether i am insane. I know i'm crazy but mentally subnormal? The thing that leads me to sometimes feel different, excluded. Who i am means i ponder over my fitting into society. But for all i know, everyone thinks too much, everyone could act the exactly the same.

Here is my blog. My blog of my head.

A Lesson to be Learnt in Life...

Layback. Relax. Enjoy.

Yes, i was wayy to stressy last week, and yes it WAS paranoia and i was put straight.
Just enjoy life, enjoy space, freedom along with the perks of someone who cares alot about you, who you mean a heck of a lot more to than a 'posh bit of totti' though you still can be a posh bit of totti.

And i've found my problem.
This is what i like about blogging. I blog when i want to, i can blog everyday, every hour, every 3 years and it doesn't matter to me or to anyone else! It makes a blind bit of difference. So, i blog when i want. Yes I want. I control it. I'm in charge.
Yet with a relationship it's a tad different. We've moved beyond the point of having to make contact everyday. And im very happy with that. And on Saturday i was all up for that, waiting until Wednesday to call him and wait for him to make the 'first effort.' Which, leads me to my problem: I'm scared that this relationship will follow the same pattern as my last. We ended up only speaking when I called or only making contact when i initiated it. So i suppose this is a kind of test. Which again sound wierd and psychoeey from my point :s.

I like my space, i want my space, i need my space, but i also need to know that i am wanted, i am missed and i am worth it. Because he is all those things to me.

Its the end of Sunday, and im doubting i can make it to Wednesday, i shall only keep it up until it affects my mood deeply. Shameful such thing would, i know, but when you get used to everyday contact, it's like an addiction, going cold turkey may be the best to do, but is damn hard.


On a sub note, my problem with the post below was that i listened to the advice of a cling-on.

So...2 life lessons to be learnt here:

1) If you take advice, consider not only the advice, but the adviser.
and
2) Enjoy life, take it easy, life is good. It really is. :)

And then comes the time...

...When paranoia sets in.


And i hate it. On the one hand he says he misses me, that im his special gurl and is ever so sweet but sometimes he just doesn't reply. When i was drunk i sent him 3 messages that went unanswered naturally because he was asleep and he'll usually text the next day. But no such luck. That was Wednesday night, it's now Friday afternoon and i've sent another text with no answer. After going 2.5 months texting or talking each day i am going fiiking crazy!!! And i know it's just paranoia.

But really - does he see my messages and just put his phone back down? Is he ignoring me purposfully???? Is he ok? Is he just tired? Has he lost his phone? WHY THE RUDDY FIIK ISNT HE REPLYING???????!!!!!!!!

But what i'm most annoyed about is the extent to which it affects me. Why am i askng myself all these questions?! Im lucky enough to have him as it is. Why do i let it bother me so when it always (hopefully) turns out ok and he is really lovely to me?

It's just a great big gaping fear that he doesn't want me anymore. And then i think. OK, is that so bad as to having me feel like this? Why can't i sleep when this thought comes into my head and my stomach lurches? I'm fine when i'm single, and i know that. So why the near panic attacks when there is but a minute suggestion that he maybe is reconsidering things?

As my longest post in a while, you can probably tell that i'm going slightly insane but hopefully the next post will set things straight and i just had to get this off my chest! No matter how deluded i sound!!!!

Wrapped in Romance

It seems that this site is all about the highs and lows of my love life. Which is not the purpose, its just6 what i like to think about in my spare time. On that note, i get to visit him next week :) and Bristol n Southampton this weekend was immense!

I found out today that there is no definition of poverty in England. The US have developed thresholds in which poverty comes under, such as size and age of families along with their income. Yet, England has naught. Why? Was is because Margaret Thatcher denied the exsistance of such homelessness? It brings about an interesting question - how do we research poverty in England without a way to "standardise" it?

Are you in poverty if you can buy one loaf of bread a week? less? or more?

Weekend of a Lifetime

I just spent an amazing weekend with my boyfriend. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks and he came down to visit me at Uni. It was fantastic. Although it had its bad points as every weekend does, such as the fact it was cut short due to some bad news and hangovers, it was truely great. On the Saturday night i had such a big grin i thought my smile might make my head explode!!! :D

But now he's gone. :( And i won't see him for 1 month. 1 month. Shit. Thats 26 days of lonliness, exasterbated by the fact that this weekend was so frickin brilliant. Grrrr.

I need to throw myself into my work, into keeping busy and getting fit.

Damn i miss the boy.

Our lives are World's apart but our hearts are intertwined.

Back at Uni.

A lecture i had today, about society and space really got me thinking about Joe. Society deems us in separate "categories" in life and we live in separate spatial categories, yet mentally we are together. Shrinking geographies have meant that it is easier to connect, otherwise the relationship would be pointless. Some, even suggest that it is pointless this way. But when i see him, even when i think about him, i know what we have is just far too good to let go. Far too good. Its those moments which you would love to last forever, just pure happiness, and those moments you doubt, because you think you might be dreaming. And i say if those moments are still happening, don't give up on them. Never give up on them. Its those moments, that last forever.

:)

Im happy again. Oh so happy. Just seeing him for 30mins made me a smile that lasts a long time. :D I never wanted to forget the happiness i experience with that boy around. Never ever.
And it pains me that i won't see him for long but it just means that i need to make this time more worthwhile. :)
Much more worthwhile :)
Its an indescribable feeling that i have in my soul. :)

15 Days in and Still Going Strong

So, 15 days in and i'm not denying it hasn't been hard. It has. So hard, in fact, that I forgot how much this place means to me. Yet, at the last minute, I remembered. I've got my very first exam on Wednesday and I get to see my loved one on Thursday. So my emotions are all a bit like a tornado at the moment, unpredictable and causing havoc. I am very nervous about my exam because I know i'm not very well prepared (writing blogs and all, instead of revision) but i'm hoping i can scrape a pass. And then there's going home, having to conflict with the mother, just in order to see the lover. It sucks, yes, but I pray to God that it will be worth it. No doubt our meeting will be a tad weird. We were only seeing each other for a few weeks before I left, so it could all go horribly wrong. I really really hope it won't.

Look after my heart..I've left it with you

3 days in and only had text communication with Joe. Missing him loads...still get the warm fuzzy feelings when i think of him and the silly grin when he sends me a text.
I really want him to still want me.
I'm beginning to panic that he doesn't. Like,n he text me saying he would call me tonight and initially i was very happy, then i realised he could be calling to dump me...and panic set in.
Should i let it shown that i really like him?

Because i do.

You know when you really really need to sleep but it just doesn't happen. I'm at that stage now. Surviving on a diet of Red Bull - shit, i know.

But today was a great day, i spent the day hanging out with Claire at work, seeing Joe in my breaks and after work and the evening was a meal with my friends - The 8some. Oh what a wonderful life!



As for Joe :D Right now i couldn't be happier. He treats me beautifully and i am very much looking forward to a future with him, which i haven't previously felt with anyone.



I understand that it will be hard. I am moving back to the Exe on Sunday and will have to stick with seeing Joe once every three weeks. Damn hard. But hopefully worth it. Just think, i can improve my loyalty skills and engage in a long term relationship! Benefits all round.