Circles

Does it ever feel to you like you're life is going round in complete circles?
I find myself, working too much again, despairing about my oh so awkward love life but at the same time enjoying myself!
Well hopefully the New Year will bring a new spin on things...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

My Titanic

So, just 10 solid days ago, i wrote my last post "Men - who needs them?" And today, on this very day, i have been unexpectedly swept of my feet.

Last Friday i'm in the pub and i see a bloke i used to work with, i turn around and he says "Fucking Hell!" - what a reaction!

And i start work again on the Tuesday, and we swap numbers, needless to say i thought nothing of it.

And then he starts texting me...and i think hmmm...actually, i quite like this bloke.

So im working and can feel his presence through the entire 2 open rooms, my mind escapes and feelings all come flooding in.

On Monday we kissed...
On Wednesday he asked me out...
On Thursday we went out...
Today we went out...

And it makes life feel, meaningful.

But, here is the thing:

Him and me are like Jack and Rose from the Titanic! He comes from an entirely different society than me, and i reckon that's one of the reasons i like him so. He's my Joe. I'm his Lou.

:D

And yes, part of my brain is saying, no lou, don't do this again...it'll end up like last time because we live 209miles apart...and another part is saying - he adores you, just let it be.

And so, i shall, however the consequences, let it be.

The Conclusion of Today: Men - who needs them?

There comes a point in every woman's life, when she realises, how incredibly ignorant she has been on a certain topic. And believe it or not, this topis is men. Boys, blokes, guys, twazzocks, bastards, the male species, all the same really. Not only do they do harm, but they do harm unintentionally, so they can't even be put right. And no, i am not saying that women are a better species, as an arogant, self-centred man would believe from me writing this. No, i am saying that men are dumb. Friends, boyfriend's, Ex's. The lot.

How did the revelation occur?

- Well, an inkling occured about a week ago, when my mate Silver believed that i fancied him and when Tin changed his story about what had happened, i got fairly annoyed.
- However, it was mostly the conclusion of today. My Ex came to see me. We broke up about 9 months ago. 9 bloody months. But the relationship was brilliant. We were in love with each other. Well, at least i was in love with him. But the torrents of the North Atlantic Ocean, tore our love apart. And i didn't see the boy for 6 months. I moved on...got a new boyfriend, and so did he. But just before he left he promised me friendship, he promised me a bond like that could never cease. And he lied. Since he got back 3 months ago, i've seen him twice, both at my work. He sent me a week late birthday e-mail. And, when i see him all i get is insults. Would the bloke give it a rest???!!! Worst of all, he has all this talk about him breaking up with me - but noo it was a mutual agreement from the start to break up when he moved to S. A. He took the piss out of me for crying about him leaving - when he cried too! And he laughed. He laughed at me for loving him. The anger that swells in me, from him acting like this is crazy, yet the more i try to be friends, the more anger that eats me up. The arogant tosser still thinks i like him!
My love, i'll have you know, died in South America. I sometimes miss him, but know that what we had, will last within me for the rest of time. Jackass, on the other hand, can go rot in hell for all i care anymore. And to be honest, i don't even think that is harsh.

*breathe*

Yet, i was thinking the other day, how i don't feel i need a man in my life right now. I'm happy. And I'm happy being me, just me. :) Why do we need men anyway? I've got a great abundance of friends, a happy lifestyle and a world which is my oyster. I like being free. And until, as i'm sure will come, the day when i need a man arrives, i am content just the way i am.

And here's a message to every man: Sentivity is not for gays.

Its just...this.

Why is doing nothing really exhausting? I've got so much on this Christmas, mainly work, so i need to get in all the relaxing i can. But, i slept practically the whole of yesturday, yet today i just want to sleep even more. :s Grrrrrr...

It's not 18:00 hours and it feels like it should be midnight. Plus, I've run out of muse. I've got nothing to that feel i should say, nothing that i feel i should do...

It's just...this.

An Observation

Has anyone pressed the "next blog" link?
What do you discover?

There are "groups" of bloggers aren't there?
You get "the depressed" - write about your innermost, emotional feelings, it will not help, but its something to do.
And "the ranters" - Write needless shit.
Then "the mothers" - Upload a million pictures of your kids. And write about your family.
And "the adverts" - Go out of your way to get people to CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME!
Then "the reviewers" - Find something, write about how crap/good it is.
You get "the sex addicts" - well, you know what i mean.
And "the genuinely funny" - Pick a subject, write humorously.
Then "opinionated" - Pick a subject, review a subject, tell everyone your opinion on that subject, emphasise it.

I think thats about all originality covered?

Yes, i've caught the bloggers addiction again...

To be brutally honest we're all in charge of our emotions aren't we? If it takes but a day for us to like someone, should it not take but a day to take those feelings away? I've never come across these feelings in life before. And, ehrlich gesagt, its not half as bad as it seems from the outside. Does that mean that i don't actually care? It's vey dam confusing.

All i know, is that i will now take charge and kill all thoughts i have of him. There's just some things in life you can't have. There's just some things in life you only want because you can't have them. That's quite a bad thing i suppose.

And then it dawns. I don't want him. Of course i don't! I just (:s) want him to want me. Ach! That's quite a bad thing i know. I realise that if he turned around and told me he liked me i would say no. He isn't what i want, he's what i can't have.

Oh Dog, i'm a bitch.

3 Months and a whole new life later...

It's been around 3 months and my life has completely changed. Completely.
I'm now happily single, 12 great new friends, new address, new routine, new Hockey Club, new diet, new clothes, new bank account, new perspective upon life.
I'm really enjoying Uni now. Ok, so there were a few glitches, but nothing too bad. And we've just planned a house for next year and it's nearly Christmas again. Love it. Not forgeting the fact that Heroes second series is on. Woop Woop! That should make any person happy.

A few troublesome thoughts though. I may have accidentally fallen in love with one of my best friends. Still too early to tell though. Trying my hardest to not like him. It's hard when you kiss them every other week!! I didn't mean to, honest! Don't worry though, i'm perfectly happy staying friends and finding someone else. I just hope that stays true!

But it's back home in 2 days, back home to the old life, old friends, old times...

Thank-you world.

I feel that it is about time to dedicate a part or say a page of my life to my boyfriend - L. It's when you see parts of your life coming together and you realise the reason why. I've realised that my ex - J - saved my life, saved me from the route i was going and then my current -L - saved me from J, helping me push past. And i'm in hope that Uni will save me from L.
Although in parts, i want L to stay. I'm finally back, at that happy place where you feel like nothing life throws at you can bring you down. And i love it. I think i might even be falling for him. Should i let myself? I'm no stranger to heartache. Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Waiting...

Have you ever felt that everything is just about waiting? On different scales. At the moment i'm waiting.

- Waiting for my friends to arrive.
- Waiting for my boyfriend to return from a 10 day hol.
- Waiting for my bets friend to return from a 6 month hol.
- Waiting to go to University.
- Waiting til work has finished.
- Waiting for endless texts and phone calls, that have been unreturned.

And when you're not doing anything - you're just waiting...waiting. Purpose? For when what you've waited for arrives, they'll be another grande list. Just plain fab!!

Pet Hates

One of my biggest pet hates is when someone tells me to do something that i'm actually already about to do. Was i not fast enough? Am i blind to what needs doing? It makes me fairly angry. I suppose, because it means that i feel inadequate. I hate that.

Another thing that annoys me is when people think it's cool not to do things. Like homework or work. Because it makes me uncool for trying. I try. It's just what i do. It's just who i am.

I hate the feel of velvet too. Just thought i'd add that in!!

The Catch to perfection (or at least close enough)

These past 2 nights have been amazing. Getting my results and everything going really well on top of things unexpectedly going absolutely perfectly with my new boyfriend. =) Despite the fact that he has now gone sailing for 10 days. Thinking time i say =)
Clubbing was great, went to the Zoobar. Then stayed at a mates flat in London before getting a train home, with my new bo.
Slept, went to work.
And then my new bo came round. We watched the Wedding Crasher - fab film. And i am ecstatic =) He's so cute and adorable and i'm so glad i found what i had before again!
Because we've been friends for two years we've got a great basis of relationship and the sparks are flying around.
The catch - From my life you learn, there is always a catch. In a month and 4 days (including the cummulative 15 days that he's away) i move away to Uni. 200 miles away =(
Current thoughts - I want both, i want to stay here with my bo and i want to go to Uni. I've always seen myself going to Uni single and free - no attachments - launch myself into my own life. But, last week, i spent the majority of it with bo, i don't want to let him go. I really really don't. However, it would probably be better than letting relationship go downhill. Man, this sucks. But i'm not complaining - after all - its always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thursday - And who thought?!

“Congratulations you’re offer to University has been accepted”

YAY! Its like a dream come true – well it is a dream come true - and it gets better!!

a) I got into my first choice.
b) I got an exceedingly high A in geography.
c) I got a new phone (contract ended – fab coincidence)
d) My mum bought me GHD’s for doing so well.
e) I got an A in Maths!
f) I have a job at Uni.
g) I beat my predicted grades! – ABB – I got AAB!
h) We’re going clubbing tonight!

What a fan-bloodi-tastic day! I’ve got a whole new life lined up and I am so excited and pretty damn chuffed with myself :)

Never thought for one minute that I could get 2A’s and a B.

And now I’m just waiting for my Bo to pick me up and take me to London. I can’t quite describe how happy I am.

Wednesday eve - on the verge of thursday

So, I've spent this week at Lucy's house - fun times eh! - Pretty scared for tomorrow! Its 11.54 - so close to tomorrow, the dreaded day. Update later, just wanted to let you know im still around xxxx

Friday

I've finally reached it - the day people get home! Full of anticipation but it now just feels like another ordinary day! I was plucking my eyebrows (yes, now i am reli giving you the whole details) when i see our new neighbours Cat in the garden - so i go down there to say hi. Two seconds later - its gone - vanished, but the back door was open, consequently meaning i had to spend the next 30 minutes searching the house for a Cat! (well, thats just me for you!)

Then i went to the park to meet Sofs. I meant to be late (shes got a repution for being late) because i didn't feel like standing around for ages. So i leave 20 minutes after i'm supposed to. And guess what happens...I arrive early! Man! When i want to be early i'm late, and when i want to be late i'm early! Crazy sods law.

After the park, i got whisked to a lovely Indian restaurant with Cat and Alex. Yes, i know, gooseberry! But they used reverse psychology on me - i had no choice. And it was great. Took my mind off whats yet to come - and the best bit - when i got home - the house was empty! No shouting - Finally! Although, its transmits that there has been an arguement between my mum and sis. Oh well, its not as if il be around when she gets home and i'm working at 7am tomorrow.

No word from my boyfriend - is he back yet? Who knows?! Im trying my hard not to be paranoid and think his changed his mind about me...but i'm exactly the type paranoia likes!

How am i feeling about results - well sofs suggested that positive thinking is good because even if i do fail - i will see the positive side...clutching at straws - yes maybe. But it could work!

Thursday Evening - Always expect the unexpected.

So Pete came round, inviting me shopping with "the other side" (of our friendship group) - yes we have 2 sides - the 5 of us and the 3 of them - unhealthly for a friendship but its just the way "the cookie crumples!" And, suprisingly - i has fun, ok, so i lost my purse (turns out it was at home) but i suppose thats a good thing - no silly spending!

Then i cam home and got shouted at! doh!

Then i read.

Waay! ;)

Thursday...One Week and Counting...yet happy!

Thursday morning, and i've had time to cool off. Spent the night speaking to Jack over MSN, he's got a girlfriend and the best thing is i'm fine with it! Overly fine - i'm happy for him - which, makes me exceedingly happy for me as now i know i am 100% over him! Yippee!

And that most definately is a good thing for my relationship now. (with Kenya) Well, he (my new boyfriend) (by the way it has been 5 months since i broke up with Jack but i haven't seen him since - he's in South America) gets back on Friday, and i'm rather wondering whether this relationship is going to work.

Ok, so lets set you straight, this is my "love" side - my "at present" boyfriend has been my friend for 2 years, and yes as soon as i saw him i have to admit, yea i fancied him :s And thats a rare thing for me! So, a couple of months later we had a thing. Which failed. I guess i've always had a small thing for him and two years later, we find ourselves on holiday together (with all our mates) and with feelings returning. So we're giving another relationship a go. But then he went sailing (oh yes, he's a sailor!) and then he went to Kenya straight from sailing, hes coming back on Friday and then after a week or so he's going to Croatia, and near the end of September im off to Uni and he's off travelling! So hopes really are running rather low, but it would be inhumane to not try wouldn't it?!

As for a weeks time...well...A-Level results. I'm trying to believe in positive thinking but today all this information about clearing came through the door. Ok, so clearing can't be that bad - i mean my sister went through it when she didn't get her results, but my feelings at the moment are that its a process of utter humiliation. Man i really want these grades!

My first choice - well i need ACC - which for me isn't too bad but the A has to be in Geography (yes, ok, so i'm studying geography but i could have easily slipped to a B in those essay questions, if not a C) Yet, my heart is set on this Uni. Man this sucks!

My insurance - ok don't laugh - I need ABB - but the A can be in any subject and i'm bound to get an A in something (hopefully). I was predicted ABB anyways. Man i hope they're right!

As you may be able to tell, i'm slightly freaking out. Just have to hope that i was having a good day. Of course, i can't even remember how the exams went...or what was on them. I've just got to have hope.

Wednesday WAS good night (careful i feel a rant coming on)

ARRRGGHH - Why is it that everytime i have a good night, where i actually enjoy myself and get to be happy i have to come home to be shouted at??! Whatever reason! There will always be a stupid reason!!! I hate it! This is precisely why i am not a people person - the people i live with are sooo annoying at times like these! Yet i love my friends to pieces. Man i cannot wait to get out of this place!! 45 days and counting... (well, hopefully - depending upon whether i get into Uni or not)

I've such a short fuse with them nowadays. Man what can i do to stand them when they're like this. I've yet to appreciate the time spent without them! GRRRR! Ok, rant over, even that was a pathetic rant. And there's my problem - my family make me feel pathetic.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning world. Today, is going to be a good day. I'm meeting Cat for dinner which i am excited about, purely because i get to go somewhere not in this town! And i'm sitting outside at the moment and the sun has come back out! I'm trying to keep my tan for this competition you see, although it may be inherently bad for your skin. And morever, its halfway through the week! (not including the weekend, but im working the whole weekend.)



Although there is an, shall we say, unfortunate development occuring at the moment. It's my mum. The thing is i don't know whether it is something serious and to be honest i have no one i can really ask right now, i just better watch this space. The other night she got up looking for her pills - she doesn't take any medicene, the two nights since she's obviously been awake because she hears the boiler breaking and spends ages fixing it and then to top it up, last night she checked her emails in the middle of the night and this morning cried because she couldn't find her house keys. Man, as much as we argue, i do love her and sincerely hope it is just stress.

Tuesday Night...Still

So i watched Evolution - ok, so now i agree, it was good. I just love a happy ending! Nothing like a feel good movie. Well the other movie, Waterworld, well, what can i say? Why is it that in many futuristic movies, clothes seem to a) turn green - come on - if red got dirt on it - it would NOT turn green! and b) degrade a hundred years - no one ever wears converse. But thats why i love I-Robot, you know, Will Smith - there's one scene where he gets retro 2005 Converse shoes! Fab!

No ones home yet - so its on to Teachers. I have seen that Heroes (BBC2/NBC/Sci Fi) is on - brilliant programme, shame i've seen it all. Peter Petrelli is so my favourite though, i would explain why but i don't want to spoil it for anyone who may glance across this!

Tuesday Night

Another thing that happens when, shall we say, boredom strikes, is that your imagination runs free - like crazily free. I don't know about you but i get this crazied feeling that i'm being followed. Double checking every corner, seeing black shadows everywhere. Paranoia at a new height for me. Purely because it makes life at the moment seem far more exciting. Then again...maybe i am being followed, there could be a dark haired sniper out there ready to catch me when i'm not expecting it! Ha! Taking the micky out if yourself really is the lowest if the lows! Actually, i met a sniper last month (yes, my life hasn't always been this empty) he ate dinner with us - Cuban. Quite strange. Don't worry, i didn't let him know i thought that!

As for the rest of the evening it's a toss up between 2 films - Evolution (about bugs evolving in the future, featuring Julianne Moore) or Waterworld (about there being no land in the future, featuring Kevin Costner) - I've heard evolution is pretty good but i do love a Kevin Costner movie.

A Little Bit of Noise To Make the Head go Round

And this is the entirety of what i spent 2 hours doing... (see above)

Tuesday Aternoon

Ok, so its Tuesday afternoon. And i'm turning insane. The last time i went out of this house was Sunday, i had a great time but now i'm here, alone, watching my computer clock, tick, tock, tick, tock...
The problem is i'm waiting, waiting for people to come home from work, waiting for people to come home from holiday and long trips abroad, waiting to see if i get a job, waiting to see where my future is going to be and i am not impressed! Next Thursday i get my results and it's, like most people in my situation - driving me insane!! And there's no overtime at work to keep me occupied and no friends available to keep me busy! And my boyfriends in Kenya. Just fab. Here are my friends - Kenya, France, Bolivia, Zante, Germany, Scotland, Focus, Munch and some kitchen selling business. And here i am, at home! Going nuts!! Should i really complain - i get to do basically nothing all day. It's not a hard life - except i can't do nothing - purely because at the end of the day, however much i watched TV or mucked about on the internet or even slept - i have not accomplished anything - and i hate that. The only thing i seem to have accomplished this week is watching the whole series of Heroes (BBC2/NBC) hence the pole. Boredom is a killer, waiting in anticipation for your future is even worse!

My Site Address - seemingly appropriate for nowaday life.

I think i need a shrink - Why else would I blog?!