(24 hours later - an apology)

Life is good. I like myself. Today was a very good day. (descriptive eh?!)

Its again, 3am and i have just returned from a different club, only this time i drunk considerably less - 1 vodka coke, 1 VK Apple, and, oh, another VK Apple. Im not an alcoholic if i stop drinking during the day. And i do! lol!

Its tempting to go clubbing tomorrow (well tonight seeing as it is technically already Wednesday) but i got drunk Sunday night aswell and i have an essay in for Thursday - sacrifice my degree for 1 night? - i think not.

Yours updated

I sit here before you, slightly intoxicated. I sat slightly, although i've drunk 1/2 a bottle of vodka, 5 VKs, 1 SAMBUCCA shot and a double mailbu and coke. Which to some is much but the fact i am sitting here writing this, however un correct it may be, is witness to the fact that i am not too bad. It may be 3 in the morning but when i have an urge to blog, i have an urge to blog.

My friend made me feel horrible today. I tried on one of my dresses and she was like "Noooooo" Ok, so she's being honest but she could've at least tried to spare my feelings. And then she spends the night complaining about how horrid she looked (when obviously i looked worse).
It just took my already low self esteem to its all-time lowest. What happened to everyone likes different shapes? What happened to personality not looks?
No, i cringed at the way i looked, look. And that, for me, sucks.

I like to only care what i think. What should i care what others think, if i myself am happy? Why?

Why do i have a crush on someone i can' t have when i don't even believe in crushes?

What is happening to me? How am i becoming someone i really do not want to be?

Yours updated,

Lou xxx

Being ill...

So being ill isn't great but it does give you time to think. Over the past week or so, iv'e been cooped up in bed with an illness which i am now recovering from due to a large dose of antibiotics every 6 hours, (only slightly annoying for someone who likes to sleep longer than 6 hours at a time!) Therefore i've had alot of time to think. To ponder over how actually paranoid i became in my last relationship, to realise that i cannot wait for next year, to know that i want to take a more relaxed and happy perspective on life, to prevent my former self to come back.
Yet i have a first obstacle: Lots and lots of work and a little amount of time.
Will i get my motivation back after this illness to get this work done on time to a high degree and not get stressed. Its a battle i as others have fought many times before in life. And usually, i suceed. In fact, i've onli partially failed once, and that wasnt bad.
I just need to incorporate "happy life" with motivation and lots and lots of work. It could be fun?!

Forbidden Grounds

Why is it that we fall for the forbidden, we want what we can't have and we crave the unallowed? Something about them, or it, makes its appeal stronger. Some of the best relationships in films have spawned from forbidden grounds - Romeo and Juliet, 40 days and 40 nights, the Titanic. And even though these are films, well, its all too true in everyday life. If we are handed something on a platter it is less exciting and we take it for granted. Whereas if we strive to do the seemingly impossible for something, for someone, the getting of it, him, life appeals to us so much more.
We, seem to need adventure, problems, excitment, in order to live a happy life.

What makes life interesting?

What worse than going somewhere and being really uninterested? The phrase "Kill me now" comes into your head. So, how do we make our lives interesting? For me, i hate being in the same routine over and over again so that little change means a lot to me, i gain a bit of interest back. Even doing things that you know you probably shouldn't, but you do it anyway, just in case.

I did that today, i caved in and met up with an ex. Did it make me feel any better about myself? Not really. Did it make me feel any worse? No. Did it make me feel anything? Don't think so. But it adds a little variety into life. It's not something that i would do on an ordinary day.

Yet, for me, right now, what is ordinary?

Do i live here or do i live at university? What do i do on an ordinary day? So, it is quite nice, to come and go as i please and do different things everyday, but it lacks any kind of routine.

Make up your mind! Haha! I think i need a happy medium!

The Aftermath

Within any relationship there is always that bit at the end when you don’t quite know where/how you stand with each other. Are you going to progress into friends? Is one person going to pine over the other for a while? And what happens to all those “feelings” that were definitely there a little while ago?
With Joe there’s been 3 aftermath complications as such. 1) The first time i saw him after the break up. It came at a good time because i was in a happy place at that time. 2) The drunken phonecall – him to me(!) – Now, i didn’t answer but it created alot of thinking time in my head. And 3) the first text convo – which i am in right now - how many kisses should i put in, should i ask a question, how long should i wait to reply?
In the end there are no instructions to handling these situations, just be you.

You are not your thoughts, they just come and go...

I sit before you, crying. I ask, Why do you cry? And i receive no answer. The world is and i am, yet i am sad. Is the world then sad?

The world works in mysterious ways. Sitting and thinking about it does you no good. There is no point in pondering iver unanswerable questions when you will get nothing from it. Im in a place right now, where i just want to be alone. But then when im alone, i am sad. To me, this makes no sense. Is being alone not what i want then? I just want to scream!

Im panicking at the moment. I have my driving test in less than a week and i have had hardly any practice recently. I know i can pass, i've done everything fine before. But i've also failed before. Does positive thinking really work? I need something to stop the nerves. I really really want to pass. So i'm sitting here, waiting, for that time to come, when i am on it. How will i feel, will it be easier than last time? Most of all, will i pass?